Saturday, January 11, 2014

It's not God's fault.

I often sit in bitterness. Still. A year later. Angry about being sexually harassed. Angry that very few people came to my aide. Angry that Christianity is such a patriarchy that we assume to believe men quicker than women. Angry that victims fall prey to the torment of not only their abuser but generally most other people. We were "asking for it" in one way or another. Not true.

Because this happened to me in a "Christian setting" it has been hard for me to separate my bitterness toward those people with bitterness toward God. Mostly because phrases such as, "I hope you find forgiveness from God, too" were tossed around so easily. Wounding me on a deeper level than you can begin to imagine.

I'm no longer comfortable with "Christianity." I shy away from anyone who claims to be a believer. I'm not alone. I'm not in the minority. "Christianese" will haunt me forever. I will for a very long time shy away from anyone claiming to be led by the Holy Spirit, or claiming to say what they are saying in the name of the Lord. And I will run like all hell from people saying they "have a feeling from the Lord."

Just now.
I realized that it's not God's fault.

And that's an important step.


Pam Thorson said...

I just read this and I'm heartbroken, Samantha. How I wish you had come to us! I would have made a trip over if necessary to come to your aid. Don't shy away from all believers because someone let you down. It's not God's fault, it's not your fault, and it's not our fault. The guilt lies with the ones who broke your trust. I love you very much. Let's talk in person when your life settles down a bit. We have been through many of our own disappointments with what people call "Christianity," and I can tell you that I trust God now more than ever. I know that He is real, He loves me, and He is faithful. He will never let you down, even when it feels as if you are totally abandoned. Like us, He's just waiting to hear from you.
With all my love, your Aunt Pam

Lady E. said...

Hello, my name is Erika. I came across your blog today. My heart is heavy in reading these words and your unfathomable pain and hurt. You are not alone, but dearly beloved, significant, and valuable. You have a heart of courage in sharing these words, in being honest with others, yourself, and the Lord.
Much grace to you.