Flat Tire

"Hey dad! Dad! DAD!" Screamed the young girl, likely 8 years old. "I have a flat tire!"
The father turned around and saw that his daughter has fallen behind. With a frown he replied, "You do?"
"Yeah," said the little girl as she inspects the tire. "I'm going to go home to take care of it." The young girl then proceeded to hop on, calm and happy, and ride back toward her home.

In so many ways I resonate with this young girl. I feel like I was on a pleasant, Sunday afternoon bike ride which was quickly interrupted by a flat tire. These things happen. There are nails on the road, pokey things (what the heck are those even called?) and these are the things which lead to interruptions. The father was concerned but let his daughter do what she needed to do. It was a simple interaction overall.

Just as I resonate with the young girl, I feel there is much I can learn from the young girl. She was so calm about everything. She didn't let it hold her back. She also knew she was going to be able to take care of it, she let her confidence shine through the situation.

The worst thing about the interaction was that my first response was sadness and jealousy. I was upset that she knew she had a home to return to. If I were a crazier person I might have stolen that little girl's bike and rode to her home. Her problem compared to mine seems enviable. And the idea of a home... I want that. A safe place to go and fix things.

Luckily, Jacob was with me and I tend to care that it appears I have some of my sanity intact still. So no, I didn't steal the girl's bike, her problems, or her home. Instead I allowed God to use the simple interaction to get my attention. It's obvious I am craving stability. The whole living out of a suitcase thing isn't quite the best thing for me. Not having a routine or a job to dictate time the past few weeks has been challenging.

And really, the heart of the matter? I just want to go home.

But I'm not sure where home is anymore. Home used to be camp. Home used to be Boise. Home used to be Lewiston. None of these spaces quite fit as home anymore. Newberg is becoming that said space but it will take many months for it to fit the bill. All I can do for the moment is make do with what I have.

So, what is it that I have? Friends and family in Boise that know me really well, have been distant enough from the situation that I will be able to relax, forget some, and remember too. Remember who I am, who I was before all of the kerfuffle. It's a space I no longer fit particularly well, but that welcomes me and loves me all the same. I'm taking my flat tire to Boise with the hope that I will find a friend that can remove the tire from the bike, another friend who will be able to find the puncture, another heart that will patch it up for me, another soul that will put it back on the bike, and a group of beloved people to go on a ride with. Simple things with people I love.

And then I will return to Newberg. I will return to Jacob, to the man that has been my constant friend and love through the suffering, the pain, and the sorrow. The man that prays for me, makes me laugh daily, holds my hand and my heart. I will return to a community-new and brimming with possibilities. I will return to a land full of beauty, a landscape that can nuzzle me in safely and provide stability eventually. I will return to friends I know and hope to know deeper and friends yet made. Those are good things that I have.

Victories of note:
-I am going to Boise
-I only thought I was dying one time in the span of 48 hours and have felt only the slightest anxiety!! :)
-I am blessed by people texting me, calling me, and messaging me to provide support and encouragement.
-I allowed myself to burrow in without guilt.
-I am 95% certain I have a job!!!! (More on that to come.)
-God is good :-)

Here I come Boise!!

Lucy, You've got some 'splainin' to do!

Well hello there world, and by world I of course mean the handful of people that will read this. ;) It's been a very long while. Let's do some catch up and explaining. As a disclaimer this post is a bit heavy, the posts to follow will be more light-hearted and playful. If you're having a good day, maybe steer clear of this for a bit. ;-)

Last you knew I was a girl living on the Oregon Coast doing a second year internship at a camp. I was taking a couple of classes, working, happily dating, growing. All of those good things. My life is a bit different these days, though admittedly similar too.

I am still happily dating and I am most assuredly growing (in the most unanticipated of ways.) The biggest change is that I no longer work at camp. The other striking difference is that I'm currently on hiatus from school (hopefully for only a couple of weeks longer.)
I had something personally devastating happen to me in December and though I tried for a couple of months I couldn't overcome or heal from it at camp (due to the nature of the situation which caused me strife.) It was with a very heavy heart after multiple conversations that I had to resign.

Personal tragedies happen, terrible things happen, wrenches get thrown, dead ends are happened upon on the road. I know that. And now? I really know that. Deep down in the most vulnerable parts of me, I now know. I know that events cut you sometimes pretty deep and it takes a long time for gaping wounds to become scars. I know that sometimes you are forced circumstantially to move on from something you once loved. I know that sometimes a dream of yours that is so close can be put on pause.

This journey of healing is a tight rope act high above an audience. I feel like I'm slowly making my way from one "safe" platform to the next, while people observe me with fascination, wondering how I'll handle everything. As the one performing I know that the people are there, but they can not help me. As the one performing I know that people are watching mostly to quench their curiosity-will she make it or will she fall? I want help, but I know it isn't feasible right now. And in the meantime I'm dealing with anxiety, a looming feeling that I'm going to die at any moment from a blood clot, or a tumor, or an aneurysm, or (the list goes on and on.)

There is a sweet, comical, sadness to the things which I count as victories these days. If I make it through a day without crying, it's been a day where I've had a break. Yesterday I only thought I was dying twice and that was a really good thing. Yesterday I felt hope and peace for the first time in weeks. Yesterday I wrote down five things that I found beautiful and found joy in that. It all feels a bit elementary, and yet thoroughly victorious.

You know what though? I'm learning and I'm growing. It's a bit fantastic really. I had to learn to quit a job that I loved, but just wasn't going to be good for me. I had to learn to move from a place I thought was home and I'm starting over. I'm learning that God isn't always in the safe, sunny spaces we create, but He is found in the margins of nights quiet and fearful. I'm learning that Christian-isms don't fix things, that time is a good God-given healer, and the church is really messed up (and that's okay.)

I'm writing and journaling more and those are helpful, necessary pieces of putting myself back together. And I will be updating more frequently. For it is with sarcasm, vulnerability, laughter, and awareness that I will heal. Feel free to join me on my journey, maybe even shout a few encouraging words to the girl on the tight rope.

So that's the explanation (as vague as possible) to you my dear friends, my loving family. This is why you've not heard from me as often as normal. This is why I've mysteriously stopped posting as many upbeat and whimsical status updates. This is why I've moved, why I'm looking for a nanny job, why my life is different. I am sorry that I have seemed cold and distant. All I ask is for some grace and understanding during this time. :-)

Bring it on world.

Who I Thought I Was

Two months into a second year by the sea and I've realized- I'm not who I thought I was.

Just who did I think I was? Well, let me tell you. I thought I was

• Put together, almost always, ready to go at a moment's notice
• On top of everything, clean, everything in its place
• Extremely secure
• Able to do all things I committed to, always, with 100% effort
• Ready for a relationship, an awesome catch

Ha.

Haha.

Hahaha!

I'm funny.

I shouldn't be so harsh. I am those things after all.

I mean, I'm put together... clothes that no longer fit because of the weight I've lost, so now I look like a frumpy, frightful mess most of the time. Currently too tired to wake up early enough any day to do anything with my hair, let alone the rest of myself.

However, I did get out of the door in ten minutes today. That's an accomplishment of ready to go at a moment's notice, right? (Never mind the day old mascara I was sporting, don't judge.)

I'm also on top of everything. You know, I sleep on a bed that's on top of a pile of magazines I've been meaning to recycle for months. I sit in chairs which are on top of the floor which holds numerous piles of books to be read, papers to be written, letters to be mailed, crafts to be finished. I am on top of the dishes... every other, other day.

Security? I got that one down pat. I'm secure in the knowledge that I've cried more in the last two months than I've cried in the last two years. I'm secure in the realization that I've bit off more than I can chew in terms of doing both school and my internship. I'm secure in the fact that if I haven't scared Jacob off yet with my multiple freak-outs and self-sabotaging moments... well he must really like me (or be a bit insane.)

And you know, I'm probably able to do all the things I'm currently committed to with 100% of my effort. If I stopped sleeping that is. Because we all know rest is overrated.

Obviously I'm ready for a relationship, I'm in it. Therefore I'm ready and perfect and the best girlfriend ever... right? Please don't remind me of the million insecurities I have. Please don't bring up my selfish tendencies. Please don't bring up the fact that I'm trying to "achieve" my relationship. Also I figure it's best if we don't talk about the times I've been less than charming, gentle, caring, or loving. Yeah, I'm a catch (so long as we don't mention those things.)

Come on, enjoy a little self-deprecating humor with me.

Because I know that at the end of the day none of it matters. All of my idiosyncrasies, all of my insecurities, the messes I create, the feelings of guilt that come from being a mere human, none of it matters.

What does matter?

Grace, mercy, lessons learned, love.

I adore my life.

Even though it sometimes seems shaky, this second year by the sea. Even though it's so different from the first year. I adore it. Even more than last year. 

And last year was a golden year in the life of Samantha.

But I love messes and I love brokenness and I love learning. I love being stretched and challenged. I love becoming aware of how imperfect I am and being loved in spite of all my baggage. I love being able to love in spite of all my baggage.

I'm not who I thought I was. But I'm definitely Samantha.

As I Lay, Thinking I was Dying

I like to be unique, you know, I just really strive to be my own person and do and be things that no one else does or is. For example? Who is the only Twin Rocks employee to be driven from the grounds twice in an ambulance? This girl. Who is the only Twin Rocks employee to be treated by the same ER doctor two and a half years apart for two entirely different reasons? This girl. Who decides to embrace the gift of life Tuesday morning, only to be rushed to the ER in the afternoon? Well, I'm sure you can figure out the answer to that one. Don't worry people, a little self-deprecating humor is okay. :-) You can giggle, I do.

Over the summer I had a joke with the high school girls that I was leading. Really ridiculous and embarrassing things would happen to me and I'd think to myself "It's my life!" Because really, there's no other appropriate response to silly and ridiculous things, save to embrace them, acknowledge them, laugh about them an appropriate amount of time later, and move on. Those moments don't define me, no more than your child hitting another child or your laundry never being quite folded or your bills being a bit late define you. It's just part of our lives.

It seems that while walking this earth, we will face pain. I've tried to get around that fact, but it continues in its persistent way. I do not believe God makes terrible things happen to me. I don't think the Divine Indwelling decided suddenly to make my potassium levels super low so that I would begin to have heart palpitations which would eventually lead to an extensive anxiety attack. I don't believe he spins a wheel of misfortune for each of us every now and then, just to see what he could throw our way.

 

However from pain is birthed beauty. That is the wonderment of God's power. As I lay on the ground at Twin Rocks waiting for an ambulance, surrounded by caring staff members, thinking that I was dying, I realized how loved I was. I remembered what was important. The family of Twin Rocks surrounded me in that moment and in the hours and days to come with their never-ending love and support and care. My love drove two hours to come take care of me for 15 hours, sacrificing homework and part of his job to do so. My week slowed down, forcibly so, and I rested. I'm learning how desperately out of whack my body, soul, heart, and mind are... and it's okay. This messy stretch of life, that crazy Tuesday, my idol of achievement and busyness, none of it defines me.

I will go on to tell the story with laughter in my eyes. It is, after all, my life.

My name is Samantha, and I have a problem.

As we talked last night on the phone, emotions came flooding forth that I didn't even recognize I was burying. The tell-tale signs were there, if only I had listened to my body. I felt sick, my body temperature was much warmer than is normal, and my whole body was aching with stress. An emotional breakdown was inevitable... I just didn't want to admit how far I'd come. He, of course, could tell something was wrong and as I tried to form thoughts and put my emotions into words, the tears came. Thoughts of being a failure and the stress of my very long to-do lists swam around in my mind and I couldn't release them fast enough. Even as I admitted my thoughts to a man I've come to love and trust, the dam had still yet to fully break, but I knew it was necessary. He spoke truth over me, prayed for me, and we got off the phone and I began to cry.

It's cruel, yet comical, that no matter what stage of life we are in, no matter how far we've come, we can inevitably slip back into damaging patterns. My damaging pattern? I always slip into the costume of a performer. A woman who puts a smile on for the world to see. I find all the ways I can achieve in the different facets of my life and set out to do just that, while losing the joy in the wonderful things I'm doing. My internship? I've been striving to be perfect, on top of it, a leader, balanced, a good example... I've been striving to live up to the expectations of my boss, his boss, my own skewed expectations, it's exhausting. School? I've sacrificed the love of learning and studying for turning school into an enemy that sucks up "free time." I battle against the clock (even when I'm a week ahead of schedule.) What's wrong with me?

And perhaps the oddest place I've been performing? In all of my relationships, including my dating relationship. It's not that big of a stretch, I always try to perform to the expectations of others and lest I let people down, I become all things to all people. So, I try to schedule all of these phone dates with people in Idaho or Montana or California or DC or even Oregon and inevitably, conflicts arise and because I can't maintain these appointments, I feel like a failure and lose the joy of the friendship. Here with my community I have come to view relationships as another part of a long to-do list, but people aren't things you can just check off on your planner. How is it, I've forgotten this? And with my love, Jacob, I'm trying so hard to make sure everything is going well and the timing is good, and we are living up to what the world would expect of us, that I haven't had time to appreciate the way he is pursuing my heart, the way he loves me and cares for me, the ways in which we fit so well together. This saddens me most of all. I'm only going to be in this stage of our relationship this one time. We are only going to be boyfriend and girlfriend in October 2012 once, so why am I wasting time trying to perform for the world? Shouldn't I just enjoy where we are?

My name is Samantha Thorson, and I am a performer, an achiever, a person who lives into others' expectations for my life, and above all else? A tired, tired soul who wants to rest and enjoy the wonderful things in her life.

Today, I am saying no to my to-do lists and people's expectations. I am going to smile at the things happening in my life, the things I get to do, the new community forming as I begin a second year at Twin Rocks, the things I'm learning in classes that I love. I'm going to embrace the journey. I'm going to breathe and sit quietly in the holy, constant presence of God and find acceptance and love... not a long list of expectations (although that's part of being on this earth.) Eventually, I'm going to find balance between being an achiever and being a be-er. Until then, grace I shall extend to myself.

Not yet.

As soon as August 31st died and it turned September I have been desiring autumn. Without a shadow of a doubt it is my favorite season. There's warmth to the months of September through November. While it admittedly gets cold, the vibrant reds, yellows, oranges, and browns of the world envelop us and wrap their essence around our souls, dragging us into a sweet melancholy of equal parts life and death. A beautiful harvest.

Autumn has never failed me. It's always been a season of new beginnings, new adventures, new people, new food, new books, new knowledge. Hand in hand with the new though, comes a death of what summer held. Many goodbyes are said, cities are left, tan Samantha becomes pale, flowers die, people retreat into different routines, a passing on occurs. A beautiful harvest.

It's been sorely teasing me this year. Summer is staying past his welcome and therefore there is no room at the inn for Autumn. She tries to come and gets in the lobby, but inevitably the hotel manager has to turn her away. It's more than a bit sad. I've been determined to wear jeans and sweaters even when it causes me to sweat all day (mind you, I live on the coast. I should not be sweating in September.) As much as I pray and mentally urge the coming of autumn, summer stubbornly sticks around.

In much the same fashion I've been mentally, emotionally, and spiritually trying to usher in the next season of my life. My first year at Twin Rocks as an intern ended at the beginning of the month and I've had three weeks of moving, vacationing, and part-time work. While I'm aware that this was a much-needed break it has left me routine-less and feeling rather topsy turvy. As much as I adore adventure and like to think of myself as spontaneous (which I am) there is no doubt that I am also a creature of habit (it just needs to be habitual stimulation, that's all) and I do not function super well in transitional stages. My poor heart just wants to wake up at 6 am, spend an hour meditating, praying, journaling, reading, then get ready for the day, then work a solid chunk of time, come home and cook, do homework, read, catch up with friends, play a game with the interns, and listen to the sounds of the ocean as I fall asleep.

Thankfully starting Tuesday my life will consist of just that. My second year by the sea will begin. It will be equal parts death and equal parts life. I will further realize that Kelsey, Forrest, and Michael are no longer here. I will realize that my summer responsibilities of focusing on people will be replaced with fall responsibilities that are focused on cleaning spaces. I will realize that the girl that first came to Twin Rocks, a bit lost and hesitant in this world, independent and lonely from time to time no longer exists. Because she has passed on and is being replaced with new life. New interns will arrive, I will "return to school", I will begin a second year at Twin Rocks. And this time the girl living by the sea is strong, curious, whimsical, silly, and not so alone or independent. What life!

It's a beautiful harvest season, I plan on enjoying it. And even before it begins I will fall asleep this night to the sounds of the ocean and latch on to small part of a routine to be birthed.

Today.

It certainly can be beautiful here, when it wants to be that is.

And all I could do was stare. That my friends, is the power of nature. So gorgeous it can stop me in my tracks.

Because let's be real... I can move!
But there was something about that wondrous ocean today. It made the world stand still.
And, I love using words that I was told I couldn't use to begin sentences... i.e. "because" and "but." It's gloriously freeing.

Also today? I got a letter in the mail from Julie. One of my sweetest friends. We share our hearts through letters from one coast to the other. Our friendship is a blessing from God. Also, you should check out her blog and see what she's been reading as of late. (:

How was your today? <3