"Hey dad! Dad! DAD!" Screamed the young girl, likely 8 years old. "I have a flat tire!"
The father turned around and saw that his daughter has fallen behind. With a frown he replied, "You do?"
"Yeah," said the little girl as she inspects the tire. "I'm going to go home to take care of it." The young girl then proceeded to hop on, calm and happy, and ride back toward her home.
In so many ways I resonate with this young girl. I feel like I was on a pleasant, Sunday afternoon bike ride which was quickly interrupted by a flat tire. These things happen. There are nails on the road, pokey things (what the heck are those even called?) and these are the things which lead to interruptions. The father was concerned but let his daughter do what she needed to do. It was a simple interaction overall.
Just as I resonate with the young girl, I feel there is much I can learn from the young girl. She was so calm about everything. She didn't let it hold her back. She also knew she was going to be able to take care of it, she let her confidence shine through the situation.
The worst thing about the interaction was that my first response was sadness and jealousy. I was upset that she knew she had a home to return to. If I were a crazier person I might have stolen that little girl's bike and rode to her home. Her problem compared to mine seems enviable. And the idea of a home... I want that. A safe place to go and fix things.
Luckily, Jacob was with me and I tend to care that it appears I have some of my sanity intact still. So no, I didn't steal the girl's bike, her problems, or her home. Instead I allowed God to use the simple interaction to get my attention. It's obvious I am craving stability. The whole living out of a suitcase thing isn't quite the best thing for me. Not having a routine or a job to dictate time the past few weeks has been challenging.
And really, the heart of the matter? I just want to go home.
But I'm not sure where home is anymore. Home used to be camp. Home used to be Boise. Home used to be Lewiston. None of these spaces quite fit as home anymore. Newberg is becoming that said space but it will take many months for it to fit the bill. All I can do for the moment is make do with what I have.
So, what is it that I have? Friends and family in Boise that know me really well, have been distant enough from the situation that I will be able to relax, forget some, and remember too. Remember who I am, who I was before all of the kerfuffle. It's a space I no longer fit particularly well, but that welcomes me and loves me all the same. I'm taking my flat tire to Boise with the hope that I will find a friend that can remove the tire from the bike, another friend who will be able to find the puncture, another heart that will patch it up for me, another soul that will put it back on the bike, and a group of beloved people to go on a ride with. Simple things with people I love.
And then I will return to Newberg. I will return to Jacob, to the man that has been my constant friend and love through the suffering, the pain, and the sorrow. The man that prays for me, makes me laugh daily, holds my hand and my heart. I will return to a community-new and brimming with possibilities. I will return to a land full of beauty, a landscape that can nuzzle me in safely and provide stability eventually. I will return to friends I know and hope to know deeper and friends yet made. Those are good things that I have.
Victories of note:
-I am going to Boise
-I only thought I was dying one time in the span of 48 hours and have felt only the slightest anxiety!! :)
-I am blessed by people texting me, calling me, and messaging me to provide support and encouragement.
-I allowed myself to burrow in without guilt.
-I am 95% certain I have a job!!!! (More on that to come.)
-God is good :-)
Here I come Boise!!
Monday, March 18, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Lucy, You've got some 'splainin' to do!
Well hello there world, and by world I of course mean the handful of people that will read this. ;) It's been a very long while. Let's do some catch up and explaining. As a disclaimer this post is a bit heavy, the posts to follow will be more light-hearted and playful. If you're having a good day, maybe steer clear of this for a bit. ;-)
Last you knew I was a girl living on the Oregon Coast doing a second year internship at a camp. I was taking a couple of classes, working, happily dating, growing. All of those good things. My life is a bit different these days, though admittedly similar too.
I am still happily dating and I am most assuredly growing (in the most unanticipated of ways.) The biggest change is that I no longer work at camp. The other striking difference is that I'm currently on hiatus from school (hopefully for only a couple of weeks longer.)
I had something personally devastating happen to me in December and though I tried for a couple of months I couldn't overcome or heal from it at camp (due to the nature of the situation which caused me strife.) It was with a very heavy heart after multiple conversations that I had to resign.
Personal tragedies happen, terrible things happen, wrenches get thrown, dead ends are happened upon on the road. I know that. And now? I really know that. Deep down in the most vulnerable parts of me, I now know. I know that events cut you sometimes pretty deep and it takes a long time for gaping wounds to become scars. I know that sometimes you are forced circumstantially to move on from something you once loved. I know that sometimes a dream of yours that is so close can be put on pause.
This journey of healing is a tight rope act high above an audience. I feel like I'm slowly making my way from one "safe" platform to the next, while people observe me with fascination, wondering how I'll handle everything. As the one performing I know that the people are there, but they can not help me. As the one performing I know that people are watching mostly to quench their curiosity-will she make it or will she fall? I want help, but I know it isn't feasible right now. And in the meantime I'm dealing with anxiety, a looming feeling that I'm going to die at any moment from a blood clot, or a tumor, or an aneurysm, or (the list goes on and on.)
There is a sweet, comical, sadness to the things which I count as victories these days. If I make it through a day without crying, it's been a day where I've had a break. Yesterday I only thought I was dying twice and that was a really good thing. Yesterday I felt hope and peace for the first time in weeks. Yesterday I wrote down five things that I found beautiful and found joy in that. It all feels a bit elementary, and yet thoroughly victorious.
You know what though? I'm learning and I'm growing. It's a bit fantastic really. I had to learn to quit a job that I loved, but just wasn't going to be good for me. I had to learn to move from a place I thought was home and I'm starting over. I'm learning that God isn't always in the safe, sunny spaces we create, but He is found in the margins of nights quiet and fearful. I'm learning that Christian-isms don't fix things, that time is a good God-given healer, and the church is really messed up (and that's okay.)
I'm writing and journaling more and those are helpful, necessary pieces of putting myself back together. And I will be updating more frequently. For it is with sarcasm, vulnerability, laughter, and awareness that I will heal. Feel free to join me on my journey, maybe even shout a few encouraging words to the girl on the tight rope.
So that's the explanation (as vague as possible) to you my dear friends, my loving family. This is why you've not heard from me as often as normal. This is why I've mysteriously stopped posting as many upbeat and whimsical status updates. This is why I've moved, why I'm looking for a nanny job, why my life is different. I am sorry that I have seemed cold and distant. All I ask is for some grace and understanding during this time. :-)
Bring it on world.
Last you knew I was a girl living on the Oregon Coast doing a second year internship at a camp. I was taking a couple of classes, working, happily dating, growing. All of those good things. My life is a bit different these days, though admittedly similar too.
I am still happily dating and I am most assuredly growing (in the most unanticipated of ways.) The biggest change is that I no longer work at camp. The other striking difference is that I'm currently on hiatus from school (hopefully for only a couple of weeks longer.)
I had something personally devastating happen to me in December and though I tried for a couple of months I couldn't overcome or heal from it at camp (due to the nature of the situation which caused me strife.) It was with a very heavy heart after multiple conversations that I had to resign.
Personal tragedies happen, terrible things happen, wrenches get thrown, dead ends are happened upon on the road. I know that. And now? I really know that. Deep down in the most vulnerable parts of me, I now know. I know that events cut you sometimes pretty deep and it takes a long time for gaping wounds to become scars. I know that sometimes you are forced circumstantially to move on from something you once loved. I know that sometimes a dream of yours that is so close can be put on pause.
This journey of healing is a tight rope act high above an audience. I feel like I'm slowly making my way from one "safe" platform to the next, while people observe me with fascination, wondering how I'll handle everything. As the one performing I know that the people are there, but they can not help me. As the one performing I know that people are watching mostly to quench their curiosity-will she make it or will she fall? I want help, but I know it isn't feasible right now. And in the meantime I'm dealing with anxiety, a looming feeling that I'm going to die at any moment from a blood clot, or a tumor, or an aneurysm, or (the list goes on and on.)
There is a sweet, comical, sadness to the things which I count as victories these days. If I make it through a day without crying, it's been a day where I've had a break. Yesterday I only thought I was dying twice and that was a really good thing. Yesterday I felt hope and peace for the first time in weeks. Yesterday I wrote down five things that I found beautiful and found joy in that. It all feels a bit elementary, and yet thoroughly victorious.
You know what though? I'm learning and I'm growing. It's a bit fantastic really. I had to learn to quit a job that I loved, but just wasn't going to be good for me. I had to learn to move from a place I thought was home and I'm starting over. I'm learning that God isn't always in the safe, sunny spaces we create, but He is found in the margins of nights quiet and fearful. I'm learning that Christian-isms don't fix things, that time is a good God-given healer, and the church is really messed up (and that's okay.)
I'm writing and journaling more and those are helpful, necessary pieces of putting myself back together. And I will be updating more frequently. For it is with sarcasm, vulnerability, laughter, and awareness that I will heal. Feel free to join me on my journey, maybe even shout a few encouraging words to the girl on the tight rope.
So that's the explanation (as vague as possible) to you my dear friends, my loving family. This is why you've not heard from me as often as normal. This is why I've mysteriously stopped posting as many upbeat and whimsical status updates. This is why I've moved, why I'm looking for a nanny job, why my life is different. I am sorry that I have seemed cold and distant. All I ask is for some grace and understanding during this time. :-)
Bring it on world.
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