Lucy, You've got some 'splainin' to do!

Well hello there world, and by world I of course mean the handful of people that will read this. ;) It's been a very long while. Let's do some catch up and explaining. As a disclaimer this post is a bit heavy, the posts to follow will be more light-hearted and playful. If you're having a good day, maybe steer clear of this for a bit. ;-)

Last you knew I was a girl living on the Oregon Coast doing a second year internship at a camp. I was taking a couple of classes, working, happily dating, growing. All of those good things. My life is a bit different these days, though admittedly similar too.

I am still happily dating and I am most assuredly growing (in the most unanticipated of ways.) The biggest change is that I no longer work at camp. The other striking difference is that I'm currently on hiatus from school (hopefully for only a couple of weeks longer.)
I had something personally devastating happen to me in December and though I tried for a couple of months I couldn't overcome or heal from it at camp (due to the nature of the situation which caused me strife.) It was with a very heavy heart after multiple conversations that I had to resign.

Personal tragedies happen, terrible things happen, wrenches get thrown, dead ends are happened upon on the road. I know that. And now? I really know that. Deep down in the most vulnerable parts of me, I now know. I know that events cut you sometimes pretty deep and it takes a long time for gaping wounds to become scars. I know that sometimes you are forced circumstantially to move on from something you once loved. I know that sometimes a dream of yours that is so close can be put on pause.

This journey of healing is a tight rope act high above an audience. I feel like I'm slowly making my way from one "safe" platform to the next, while people observe me with fascination, wondering how I'll handle everything. As the one performing I know that the people are there, but they can not help me. As the one performing I know that people are watching mostly to quench their curiosity-will she make it or will she fall? I want help, but I know it isn't feasible right now. And in the meantime I'm dealing with anxiety, a looming feeling that I'm going to die at any moment from a blood clot, or a tumor, or an aneurysm, or (the list goes on and on.)

There is a sweet, comical, sadness to the things which I count as victories these days. If I make it through a day without crying, it's been a day where I've had a break. Yesterday I only thought I was dying twice and that was a really good thing. Yesterday I felt hope and peace for the first time in weeks. Yesterday I wrote down five things that I found beautiful and found joy in that. It all feels a bit elementary, and yet thoroughly victorious.

You know what though? I'm learning and I'm growing. It's a bit fantastic really. I had to learn to quit a job that I loved, but just wasn't going to be good for me. I had to learn to move from a place I thought was home and I'm starting over. I'm learning that God isn't always in the safe, sunny spaces we create, but He is found in the margins of nights quiet and fearful. I'm learning that Christian-isms don't fix things, that time is a good God-given healer, and the church is really messed up (and that's okay.)

I'm writing and journaling more and those are helpful, necessary pieces of putting myself back together. And I will be updating more frequently. For it is with sarcasm, vulnerability, laughter, and awareness that I will heal. Feel free to join me on my journey, maybe even shout a few encouraging words to the girl on the tight rope.

So that's the explanation (as vague as possible) to you my dear friends, my loving family. This is why you've not heard from me as often as normal. This is why I've mysteriously stopped posting as many upbeat and whimsical status updates. This is why I've moved, why I'm looking for a nanny job, why my life is different. I am sorry that I have seemed cold and distant. All I ask is for some grace and understanding during this time. :-)

Bring it on world.