Saturday, March 15, 2014

Do you see me?

Early on when I was first dealing with my panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, full time school, and being a nanny to a 7 month old 55 hours a week I would get overwhelmed and lonely. Weird, eh?
True story.
Another true story is that sometimes I would take little Lia out to a coffee shop, the library, Gymboree, or the store and just hope and hope and hope that someone would see us and talk to me.
A lot of the last year has been spent alone or with a little tiny bundle of joy and needs. It was alienating and odd. My life up to that point had been consistent with PEOPLE. And while being around people often triggered my panic attacks I still needed it. And sometimes it got unbearable. It felt like my life wasn’t real. Nobody saw what I was doing 90% of the time… was it even really happening?
And so, out I would go. Desperate for eye contact, a head nod, a “hello”, an acknowledgement that I was in fact a real, breathing, human.
Do you see me?
Do you see me?
Do you see me?
Today, a year later from when the worst of it all began I was walking around Fred Meyer shopping for dinner and I noticed how quickly people averted their eyes.
We don’t really like talking to each other. We don’t even necessarily love to say hi to a stranger. It can feel awkward, uncomfortable, forced. But today I was aware of how good, healing, and healthy it can be just to look at someone in the eye.
Because sometimes we just need to be seen.


benjaminw said...

I'm positively awful at seeing. And acknowledging. And saying hello to strangers.

Jennifer Hamly said...

You are not only seen, Sammi, you are in our thoughts, hearts, prayers, and life. Sometimes I have found that those same people are thinking the same thing..."Did she see me, does she want to see me...". I have to sometimes become the fullfillment of what I am seeking...starting to see others before they see me. But we can rest knowing that Someone does see us...and never takes His eyes off of you. I love your searching heart and desire to push on through all of your struggles and pain. There is so much joy to discover in the midst of it that makes the journey worth the effort. Love ya, Sammi!