Flat Tire

"Hey dad! Dad! DAD!" Screamed the young girl, likely 8 years old. "I have a flat tire!"
The father turned around and saw that his daughter has fallen behind. With a frown he replied, "You do?"
"Yeah," said the little girl as she inspects the tire. "I'm going to go home to take care of it." The young girl then proceeded to hop on, calm and happy, and ride back toward her home.

In so many ways I resonate with this young girl. I feel like I was on a pleasant, Sunday afternoon bike ride which was quickly interrupted by a flat tire. These things happen. There are nails on the road, pokey things (what the heck are those even called?) and these are the things which lead to interruptions. The father was concerned but let his daughter do what she needed to do. It was a simple interaction overall.

Just as I resonate with the young girl, I feel there is much I can learn from the young girl. She was so calm about everything. She didn't let it hold her back. She also knew she was going to be able to take care of it, she let her confidence shine through the situation.

The worst thing about the interaction was that my first response was sadness and jealousy. I was upset that she knew she had a home to return to. If I were a crazier person I might have stolen that little girl's bike and rode to her home. Her problem compared to mine seems enviable. And the idea of a home... I want that. A safe place to go and fix things.

Luckily, Jacob was with me and I tend to care that it appears I have some of my sanity intact still. So no, I didn't steal the girl's bike, her problems, or her home. Instead I allowed God to use the simple interaction to get my attention. It's obvious I am craving stability. The whole living out of a suitcase thing isn't quite the best thing for me. Not having a routine or a job to dictate time the past few weeks has been challenging.

And really, the heart of the matter? I just want to go home.

But I'm not sure where home is anymore. Home used to be camp. Home used to be Boise. Home used to be Lewiston. None of these spaces quite fit as home anymore. Newberg is becoming that said space but it will take many months for it to fit the bill. All I can do for the moment is make do with what I have.

So, what is it that I have? Friends and family in Boise that know me really well, have been distant enough from the situation that I will be able to relax, forget some, and remember too. Remember who I am, who I was before all of the kerfuffle. It's a space I no longer fit particularly well, but that welcomes me and loves me all the same. I'm taking my flat tire to Boise with the hope that I will find a friend that can remove the tire from the bike, another friend who will be able to find the puncture, another heart that will patch it up for me, another soul that will put it back on the bike, and a group of beloved people to go on a ride with. Simple things with people I love.

And then I will return to Newberg. I will return to Jacob, to the man that has been my constant friend and love through the suffering, the pain, and the sorrow. The man that prays for me, makes me laugh daily, holds my hand and my heart. I will return to a community-new and brimming with possibilities. I will return to a land full of beauty, a landscape that can nuzzle me in safely and provide stability eventually. I will return to friends I know and hope to know deeper and friends yet made. Those are good things that I have.

Victories of note:
-I am going to Boise
-I only thought I was dying one time in the span of 48 hours and have felt only the slightest anxiety!! :)
-I am blessed by people texting me, calling me, and messaging me to provide support and encouragement.
-I allowed myself to burrow in without guilt.
-I am 95% certain I have a job!!!! (More on that to come.)
-God is good :-)

Here I come Boise!!