Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my religion. Not necessarily my faith in God. Just my religion.

Have you ever had those times when you just can't win? Like everything is going pretty well, but then you go to the E.R. for a low potassium induced panic attack... ah... and then about a month later a panic induced panic attack and you're right back in the room with the people looking pityingly at you because you're one of "those anxiety driven people." And then shortly after all of that you have a co-worker approach you in a sexually derogatory way and nothing happens when you tell certain people... people you expected to take care of you. In fact, eventually those people make you feel like you are blowing things out of proportion and they ask you instead to come alongside that sexually derogatory person in his healing process. Have you ever hated your job because you felt alone because people who don't know the whole story are encouraging you to be friends with the person who hurt you?

And then, because you live in an isolated place, away from friends, family, and your boyfriend have you ever felt so alone that you start focusing on the news? And then you realize what a wretched, broken, painful, harsh world we live in, and that makes you even more upset. And then you just figure... what the hell is even the point?

I will admit that I am naturally prone to depression. That this of course, plays a factor in my sadness and issues. But I really keep wondering when I'm ever going to catch a break.
I don't at all blame God. I don't even expect him to provide a way out of this brokenness in my life, at this camp. It's just a broken situation. And this tired old earth is one example after another of brokenness. It's not God's fault. It's not even the Church's fault necessarily. It just is messy and sad. We do wrong in the name of grace. We manipulate others in order to make our own work lives easier. It's self preservation at its grandest. It's life.

There are many Evangelical Christians out there that believe Jesus is coming back soon. I'm not one of them. I think it's a mess. The lives we are living are big piles of crap in a horse pasture. But it's not the end. It's not even close if you ask me.

I do know, that if you ask me. I'm tired. And weary. And while I can remember the good things I have going in my life, there are days, like today, that the pain outweighs the joy and it wins. It's called reality everybody. It's called depression. It's called pain. It's called, call it whatever the hell you want to, but sometimes it just sucks.

Tonight, I don't believe in Christianity. Tonight I don't believe this world is beautiful. Tonight I don't believe I can make it through tomorrow. Tonight I don't believe I can make it through the rest of my internship.

But I do believe in God. And I still cry out to him in my pain. And a peace transcends. What more can I ask for? He calms the seas long enough for me to catch my breath. Thank you God.