Most of these days I don't know any longer what exactly I believe about God, Christianity, the Church, or myself in relation to all of those things. It's terrifying.
I've had answers for as long as they've been fed into me. I am realizing now, there are answers... but then there are questions. Deep, longing, beautiful, painful, honest questions. Questions I am not allowed to voice to most people because their answers would be quick, sharp, commanding. What I need now are the answers of silence, understanding, patience, and listening.
Very few people, perhaps actually only three, know of my questionswithoutimmediateanswersthatperhapsrequirelongtermexamining. Already, I've been confronted with the worry over my soul being lost. I can only shake my head in wonder that this has become a cruel form of Christian "love" and "concern."
I need time and I need space. Oh and by the way, I have neither.
I'm not living the life I want. I work 57 hours a week when you count in my drive time. In addition I am taking 14 credits of classes. In addition I am trying to be a good fiance, a good friend, go to therapy and grow to accept my anxiety, clean my house, grocery shop, cook, eat well, working out has become a distant friend, actually being healthy is becoming secondary to what meal do I have time for today? And it's just NOT WORKING. It's not. And I don't enjoy it. There's no balance. It feels like I'm trying to capture the wind.
As I drove home tonight, trying to accept the anxiety I was feeling, I thought to myself that if I were just getting a normal amount of sleep each night I'd be better equipped to handle my panic, my questions, my broken and shattered heart. But in order to do that I'd have to stop working so much or stop school. And it just doesn't feel like there is a way out, I feel trapped in my own life. How is it that I got here? How have I lost myself so thoroughly. I know the answers. I know the reasons. They are varied and plentiful. And it is what it is.
Can I get out? Can I become peaceful again? Can I find time to sit and breathe just once without thoughts of what I should/could/would be doing instead? (For example right now I should be cleaning up dinner, I could be cleaning my house, I would be doing homework if I didn't feel so unsettled.)
UGH.
A big fatty, ugh. I hate that my thoughts are so negative.
My deep joy of the day? Meeting for coffee with a new friend while Lia slept peacefully beside me. We talked of books, schooling systems, our lives, our hobbies, our joys, our sorrows. We met in the silliest/craziest way imaginable (cue a terrible man who hit on both of us at Starbucks.) And it's been a beautiful friendship. So, for that, I am thankful.
My surface joy of the day? Eating red wine hamburgers with caramelized onions and goat cheese for dinner along with roasted cauliflower and a glass of good, red wine.
There are things to be thankful for, things that keep me going. And to these I nod my head in deep gratitude and hope for the best moving forward.
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